In the Market for a New Lawnmower

My response to the person who showered the Occupy Wall Street protesters with copies of this little missive.

Dear Person,

Thank you for your missive. It was very revealing. A minor edit and a message to you: To the list of things you would sell, you forgot a few: your mother, your children’s future, your country…down the river…just to name a few. And that doesn’t make you vicious. It makes you a greedy coward and a traitor. And yes, occupiers didn’t take to the streets when the markets rose. Congratulations. You pulled the wool over our eyes. There were those, people smarter than you, who tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen. And the occupiers’ message to you now is, that isn’t going to happen again.

Now let’s clear a few more things up: The markets you manipulate are not “just like gambling.” What you guys don’t get is that Wall Street is not a casino, it is a system designed to capitalize good ideas, not make a pack of punk-ass bitches like you rich. (And no, capitalized debt obligations, derivatives, and mortgage-backed securities do not qualify as “good ideas.”) The other thing you don’t get—well, actually, you do (see below)—is that in a democracy, that system is dependent on the people. If it does things the people don’t like, the people will either change it or shut its ass down. Welcome to your nightmare.

And no, you’re not going to take employment away from any occupiers, for two reasons. First, most of them aren't employed, thanks to you. And second, those who are employed are doing things that will find no value whatsoever in your snakelike acumen for “positions” and “gambling.” In case you need a primer, that’s how the market works: you ain’t a software engineer, you ain’t a physics lecturer, you ain’t a social worker or an occupational therapist or an electrician or a structural engineer, so ain’t nobody going to hire you to do those things. I don’t know what cloud of self-delusion led you to believe that the occupiers were mowing lawns, because I can tell you, any occupiers who are mowing lawns or making sandwiches are only doing so because their college degrees aren’t dong them any good in a system where punk-ass bitches like you suck up all the capital that is meant to fuel ideas, innovation, and the American future. So no, you won’t be taking anyone’s jobs, because clearly, you are incapable of teaching third-graders.

(And by the way, your time is near. I’d suggest you start looking for lawns to mow.)

And that car of yours? It never should have cost $85K in the first place. And the occupiers aren’t going to “create jobs” that depend on your 35% tip. They’re going to rebuild the system, and then they're going to create vocations, and those vocations are going to drive stronger, steadier, and more stable economic growth than any of your ingenious collateralized debt obligations ever could have.

But of course, you know all this, because you took the time to craft this little missive, give it to your admin to copy, and climb onto the roof to throw it down. And why would you do that? Why on earth would a snake like you do that, an asp, a cobra, a python like you, who could have spent that time “making” what, $50K, $100K, screw it, a million dollars, let’s say? The message of your missive is clear, my friend: you are afraid. You are quaking and pissing yourself like a crackhead right now, which is why you think you need an 85,000-dollar tank to protect you from all those baaaad people out there.

Word, dude: You don’t. They’re just people trying to make a better world.